Every instance of sexual violence is unique; every survivor responds to and recovers from his or her attack in a unique way.
If someone you love (a friend, a sibling, a significant other) confides in you about an assault, it is healthy to recognize that this confidence, like any other knowledge gained regarding deeply personal information, is both a sign of your loved one's faith in you, and a burden he or she is hoping (consciously or unconsciously) that you can help share.
It is natural for us to feel outrage and sadness when those we love are hurt. Indeed, it is not uncommon for family members of a survivor to develop and be diagnosed with secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Recognizing that your loved one's experience will likely affect you to some degree is not something to feel guilty about; in fact, you will be better able to make fair decisions and provide reasonable advice if you can allocate awareness to how you yourself are processing the situation.
"H O W S H O U L D I B E H A V E A R O U N D T H E M N O W?"
In a perfect world, you would treat your loved one exactly the same as you always have. After all, their victimization is no more their fault than the pedestrian hit by a drunk driver. But this can be an impossibility, because it is likely your loved one's experience will cause them to behave differently than they have before.
There is a fine line between being supportive and inadvertently impairing your loved one's recovery by exacerbating his or her potential feelings of being now "damaged" or "broken." This is a part of the recovery process for every survivor, and the most important thing for you to remember is that healing takes time, changes in your relationship will certainly occur (but may not last long) and if your loved one puts distance between the two of you, you should not take it personally and be available if and when your loved one does reach out.
P O S T T R A U M A T I C S T R E S S D I S O R D E R & R A P E T R A U M A S Y N D R O M E
When presented with the term "PTSD," an average person may associate this with veterans of war. But any individual presented with a stressor he or she finds outside his or her capacity to deal with can develop this disorder. (DSM-IV, 1994)
Reaction to rape will differ in relation to the emotional style of the victim: some survivors will openly express their feelings, perhaps crying or talking openly of their experience in an effort to process it; others may seek control over the situation, manifesting a calm outward demeanor but perhaps also tamping down on emotional expression in general. Bear in mind, it is estimated that approximately 10% of rape victims show absolutely no perceptible change in behavior following an assault.
As an ally for your loved one, it is best to keep an eye peeled for certain indicators of the manifestation of PTSD:
If your loved one mentions thoughts of suicide, contact a professional immediately. You can do so anonymously. It is NOT unreasonable for you to disclose this information to someone else who can help you determine the best course of action to take within the constrains of your loved one's unique situation.
H E L P I N G Y O U R L O V E D O N E T H R O U G H T H E S T A G E S O F R E C O V E R Y
In 1989, David Rosenham and Martin Seligman undertook extensive research into the stages of recovery experienced by a survivor of a major trauma. It is widely held that there are three stages or sequences the survivor experiences: the short-term (initial) reaction, the intermediate phase, and the long-term reaction.
Typically, the short-term reaction marks a phase of crisis for the survivor. A general, overall spike in anxiety and depressive behaviors will occur. Survivors may become reclusive, their grades or job performance may suffer, their relationships with friends and family may change or disintegrate. This phase typically lasts two to three months, but can be shorter or longer.
Intermediate reactions show a more diffuse anxiety in the victim. The anxiety may become "rape-specific;" it can impact relationships and manifest in sexual dysfunction. Depression is still present and affecting the survivor's life. This stage, on average, will last for about six months.
Approximately one year after an assault, survivors may experience anger, hyper-vigilance to danger, continued sexual dysfunction, and a less-rosy outlook on life and society. Additionally, nightmares and bouts of anxiety triggered by reminders of the attack may persist for years or even become permanent.
Without question, a rape changes its victim's perception of self and others. But your support throughout the recovery process can vastly improve your loved one's quality of life for years to come. Your care may mean more than you realize; your patience and understanding and generosity will be a palpable contrast to the lack of humanity forcibly displayed by the rapist. Faith in the goodness of people can and will help a victim overcome the shock and pain of encountering and experiencing evil.
I M M E D I A T E S T E P S V I C T I M S S H O U L D B E ( G E N T L Y ) U R G E D T O C O N S I D E R
Even if your loved one was just recently attacked, he or she will most likely already be presenting with signs of psychological trauma. Agoraphobia, malaise and self-harm may manifest. If he or she is in denial about the severity of the recent attack or questioning whether it qualified as a rape, important decisions may not be made in a timely manner.
Physical injuries should be prioritized; though a victim may not want to and has the right not to submit to a Rape Kit, any visible wounds such as cuts or bruises should be examined and recorded by a professional. That way, if after some time the victim ultimately decides he or she does want to pursue action against the attacker, these otherwise private records can be used as evidence. Furthermore, every victim should schedule an appointment approximately three weeks after a penetrative attack (oral or otherwise) to be screened for sexually transmitted infections. Especially in women, failure to treat certain STIs can result in long-term health issues and potential infertility.
If your loved one is reluctant, for whatever reason, to report his or her attack to the authorities in the immediate aftermath of an attack, encouraging your loved one to write an email about his or her experience that he or she can simply send to his or her own inbox may help to document the sequence of events. The email need not ever be used, but will have a definitive time-stamp that will verify its authenticity.
If someone you love (a friend, a sibling, a significant other) confides in you about an assault, it is healthy to recognize that this confidence, like any other knowledge gained regarding deeply personal information, is both a sign of your loved one's faith in you, and a burden he or she is hoping (consciously or unconsciously) that you can help share.
It is natural for us to feel outrage and sadness when those we love are hurt. Indeed, it is not uncommon for family members of a survivor to develop and be diagnosed with secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Recognizing that your loved one's experience will likely affect you to some degree is not something to feel guilty about; in fact, you will be better able to make fair decisions and provide reasonable advice if you can allocate awareness to how you yourself are processing the situation.
"H O W S H O U L D I B E H A V E A R O U N D T H E M N O W?"
In a perfect world, you would treat your loved one exactly the same as you always have. After all, their victimization is no more their fault than the pedestrian hit by a drunk driver. But this can be an impossibility, because it is likely your loved one's experience will cause them to behave differently than they have before.
There is a fine line between being supportive and inadvertently impairing your loved one's recovery by exacerbating his or her potential feelings of being now "damaged" or "broken." This is a part of the recovery process for every survivor, and the most important thing for you to remember is that healing takes time, changes in your relationship will certainly occur (but may not last long) and if your loved one puts distance between the two of you, you should not take it personally and be available if and when your loved one does reach out.
P O S T T R A U M A T I C S T R E S S D I S O R D E R & R A P E T R A U M A S Y N D R O M E
When presented with the term "PTSD," an average person may associate this with veterans of war. But any individual presented with a stressor he or she finds outside his or her capacity to deal with can develop this disorder. (DSM-IV, 1994)
Reaction to rape will differ in relation to the emotional style of the victim: some survivors will openly express their feelings, perhaps crying or talking openly of their experience in an effort to process it; others may seek control over the situation, manifesting a calm outward demeanor but perhaps also tamping down on emotional expression in general. Bear in mind, it is estimated that approximately 10% of rape victims show absolutely no perceptible change in behavior following an assault.
As an ally for your loved one, it is best to keep an eye peeled for certain indicators of the manifestation of PTSD:
- Persistent fixation on the attack, or, alternatively, a vehement denial of the occurrence of the attack;
- Notable change in appearance (i.e. infrequent bathing, adoption of loose-fitting clothes);
- Adoption of obsessive-compulsive behaviors or paranoia (i.e. frequent hand-washing, fixation on locking doors);
- Loss of appetite or increase in appetite;
- Chronic nightmares and disturbance to normal sleeping patterns (onset of insomnia);
- Onset or increase in substance use or abuse, such as alcohol use or drug abuse;
- Onset or increase in self-harm such as cutting or burning of the skin;
- Avoidance of situations, activities or locations associated with the trauma;
- Social maladjustment or impairment in social functioning, resulting in avoidance of or distress associated with otherwise routine social practices;
- Panic attacks or noticeable chronic anxiety;
- Major depression.
If your loved one mentions thoughts of suicide, contact a professional immediately. You can do so anonymously. It is NOT unreasonable for you to disclose this information to someone else who can help you determine the best course of action to take within the constrains of your loved one's unique situation.
H E L P I N G Y O U R L O V E D O N E T H R O U G H T H E S T A G E S O F R E C O V E R Y
In 1989, David Rosenham and Martin Seligman undertook extensive research into the stages of recovery experienced by a survivor of a major trauma. It is widely held that there are three stages or sequences the survivor experiences: the short-term (initial) reaction, the intermediate phase, and the long-term reaction.
Typically, the short-term reaction marks a phase of crisis for the survivor. A general, overall spike in anxiety and depressive behaviors will occur. Survivors may become reclusive, their grades or job performance may suffer, their relationships with friends and family may change or disintegrate. This phase typically lasts two to three months, but can be shorter or longer.
Intermediate reactions show a more diffuse anxiety in the victim. The anxiety may become "rape-specific;" it can impact relationships and manifest in sexual dysfunction. Depression is still present and affecting the survivor's life. This stage, on average, will last for about six months.
Approximately one year after an assault, survivors may experience anger, hyper-vigilance to danger, continued sexual dysfunction, and a less-rosy outlook on life and society. Additionally, nightmares and bouts of anxiety triggered by reminders of the attack may persist for years or even become permanent.
Without question, a rape changes its victim's perception of self and others. But your support throughout the recovery process can vastly improve your loved one's quality of life for years to come. Your care may mean more than you realize; your patience and understanding and generosity will be a palpable contrast to the lack of humanity forcibly displayed by the rapist. Faith in the goodness of people can and will help a victim overcome the shock and pain of encountering and experiencing evil.
I M M E D I A T E S T E P S V I C T I M S S H O U L D B E ( G E N T L Y ) U R G E D T O C O N S I D E R
Even if your loved one was just recently attacked, he or she will most likely already be presenting with signs of psychological trauma. Agoraphobia, malaise and self-harm may manifest. If he or she is in denial about the severity of the recent attack or questioning whether it qualified as a rape, important decisions may not be made in a timely manner.
Physical injuries should be prioritized; though a victim may not want to and has the right not to submit to a Rape Kit, any visible wounds such as cuts or bruises should be examined and recorded by a professional. That way, if after some time the victim ultimately decides he or she does want to pursue action against the attacker, these otherwise private records can be used as evidence. Furthermore, every victim should schedule an appointment approximately three weeks after a penetrative attack (oral or otherwise) to be screened for sexually transmitted infections. Especially in women, failure to treat certain STIs can result in long-term health issues and potential infertility.
If your loved one is reluctant, for whatever reason, to report his or her attack to the authorities in the immediate aftermath of an attack, encouraging your loved one to write an email about his or her experience that he or she can simply send to his or her own inbox may help to document the sequence of events. The email need not ever be used, but will have a definitive time-stamp that will verify its authenticity.
